


idiots playing dnd

by noumenon



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-17
Updated: 2014-12-17
Packaged: 2018-03-01 21:16:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2788040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noumenon/pseuds/noumenon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><a href="http://rvb-jamboree.dreamwidth.org/2495.html?thread=109503#cmt109503">Prompt from the rvb shipping jamboree</a><br/>"Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"--Firefly</p><p>There's a reason no one wants to invite Felix to join their party.<br/>I just really wanted to write these dorks playing dnd and figured this prompt was a good excuse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	idiots playing dnd

“You now find yourself in a dark dungeon filled with corpses chained to the walls. In the middle of the room, there is the skeleton of a large beast. There is a door on the far side of the room.” Church read from the guide for their game of DnD. As he said that, Felix leaned over and handed him a piece of paper with a shit-eating grin on his face. Church raised an eyebrow and kept talking. “The corpses begin to move. Roll for initiative.” He set up the board as he said this to show where the enemies were around the party.

“Wait, does this include that huge thing in the middle?” Wash asked.

“Yes, you idiot. It’s a corpse, isn’t it?” Church told him.

“I sense motive on the corpses.” Tucker yelled.

“They’re fucking dead. And mad. Shut the fuck up Tucker and roll for goddamn initiative.” Church snapped at him.

The group, consisting of Felix, Locus, Wash, and Tucker all rolled their dice and Church quickly jotted down the results. “Alright Tucker, you get to move first. What do you do?”

“Hell yeah! Okay, I take my Spirit Sword and I attack the beast corpse.” Tucker rolled his dice and groaned when he saw the one.

“Oh my god, that’s beautiful.” Felix said, leaning back in his chair and laughing.

“So Tucker, you trip and impale yourself on your own sword. Good job, buddy.”

“You’re an asshole.” Tucker frowned and tossed his character sheet on top of the board, which was then picked up by Felix. 

“Hey man, you’re the one who rolled a one.” Church grinned. “Felix, your turn.”

Felix looked thoughtful for a second before turning back to the game. “I hold. I’ll go last.”

“Seriously? Avenge me! Don’t wait.” Tucker threw his arms in the air dramatically.

“I hold.” Felix repeated.

“Oh fine. Be that way.”

Church rolled a few dice for the creatures. “Okay, so the giant fucking beast skeleton decided that it hates Wash and bites him. Wash, roll for save. “Wash rolled and was about to call out his number but Church stopped him. “Well, you didn’t get a 20 and this thing is hella over powered so you’re dead now too.”

“Ha! You suck just as much as I do.” Tucker grinned.

“At least I didn’t fall on my own sword.” Wash pointed out.

“And now the human corpses are going, so shut the hell up you two. They’re all going to attack Locus.” Church said. “So get ready to roll a whole bunch. There’s five of these guys and your speed sucks.”

“I don’t understand the point of this.” Locus said, shooting a glance as Felix. “Why did you skip your turn?”

“You know why.” Felix told him. “Now hurry up and die.”

“Felix, you’re not supposed to want your teammates to die.”

Felix shrugged and smirked. “I like it when you idiots die.”

A few dice rolls later and Locus was left standing with only a few hitpoints. 

“Okay Felix. Go.” Church told him.

“I attack Locus.” He grinned.

“Felix, what the fuck?” Wash asked.

“This isn’t how you play!” Tucker added. 

“This isn’t how you play. But it’s how I play.” Felix told them. “Locus, say the line.”

Locus sighed. “Curse your sudden yet inevitable betrayal.” 

Felix smiled victoriously. “And now that you’re dead, I reveal my master plan. I reanimate the bodies of my party, just as I did on the corpses in this room.”

“Goddammit Felix. This is the last time I’m inviting you.” Tucker said, standing up. “I thought if you brought your boyfriend you would be less of a dick.” He said, pointing to Locus.

“I’m letting him keep his character. He just has to obey me completely now. Right, babe?”

“I hate you, Felix.”

“Love you, too.”


End file.
